Sex With Angels

It’s curious watching what google searches lead people to this blog. Sometimes they are relevant; often people find my book reviews looking for just that, so I’m happy. Sometimes they are funny but accidental; apparently one of the new pokemon has a blue flame on its tail and when someone tried to find out which one, they ended up here. Some are just surprising, apparently “sex James Bond” in Arabic can lead here. Months back I posted a link to a joke entry on “How to know if you’re having sex with a fallen angel” and that changed the google searches that lead here. The fifth most popular search term leading people to my blog is? Sex angels. From there I get all sorts of variations “How to have sex with angels” “How to summon an angel for sex” “Praying to angels for sex” (with an angel or person?) “Have people had sex with angels?” and it goes on. Now, let it not be said that I’m not an attentive and caring blogger. I opted out of a how-to guide for now, but I leave you with:

Say-Roar-Screech-Low mine Name! Who's your Holy Father?

Kalagni’s Sex With Angels Advice

• First piece of advice when having sex with an angel? Be not afraid. (Seriously if angels have to say that everytime they introduce themselves they probably aren’t pretty blond guys with wings, they’re scary-ass motherfuckers)
• When having sex with a Kerub (Cherub) always make sure the human side is facing you, otherwise it is bestiality and that would just be weird.
• Because they are four-in-one Kerubs are fans of bukakke, plan accordingly.
• Ophanim are great for exhibitionists and voyeurs. They like to watch (and pretty much have to being covered with eyes) and they like when people watch them jack-ophanim.
• Always wear a condom with a Seraph, or you’ll find out why their name means burning snake.
• Use polyurethane condoms when having sex with a Seraph as they have higher melting points than latex.
• If you’re into bondage I suggest the Bene h’elohim, or the Watcher Angels, several of them spend all day hanging around in chains.
• Raphael smells like fish, it’s not a hygiene issue, it’s so Asmodeus doesn’t kill you before sex, jealous ex I’m assuming.
• The ineffable name is not a good safe word.
• Halos (who has a halo, seriously?) are not convenient foot rests or places to attach your handcuffs to.
• While not as long-lasting water based lube is easier to wash off of wings than silicone and oil based lubricants.
• Remember No means no…unfortunately the Hebrew for “Come on” sounds like no.
• Archangels are fans of forced bukakke scenarios “[The Seven Archangels] came to [Eve], seized her, and ejaculated their semen upon her.” ~On the Origin of the World 116-117. Plan accordingly, put down plastic sheets.
• “The seed of the trees came from the semen of the authorities and their angels.” ~On the Origin of the World 109-110. So always wear a condom, you don’t want a tree growing out of there, do you?
• Virtues are prudes, don’t bother with them.
• Dominions look good in black leather and carry whips.
• Into twincest? Go for Metatron, there are two of him, one above and one below.

There you go, hopefully this will advice will help your next heavenly whoring.
Thanks to all my twitter friends (apparently you’re tweeps?) for being sounding boards to this insanity, and occasionally suggesting/nudging the insanity. Feel free to tweet or comment with more.