Shhh: The Secret Chiefs Are Talking

Recently the occult world was rocked by my latest announcement, and some people were sceptical that the Secret Chiefs of the Silver Twilight’s Third and a Half Order has contacted me personally to reveal the rest of the advanced Silver Twilight Inner Order (T&A et F.U.)  teachings to qualified occultists everywhere (by which we mean random blog readers). Of course people were only sceptical because they have never seen me in a bathing suit and neglected to realize I’m the only one who knows how to set the clock on the Secret Chief’s microwave.

Exclusive image of the Secret Chiefs


To help quell the scepticism the Secret Chiefs, Billy and Michael (I call him Mike), authorized me to publically transmit a set of deep and powerful secrets to cast out all doubt by its sheer clarity and wisdom. Two of our Order released a secret teaching six years to try to help humanity progress, and I get the honour of revealing the true esoteric coded meaning of Rock, Paper, Scissors, Lizard, Spock.

An incomplete copy of this teaching was released in the 1700s due to a scribal error when copying a stolen scroll. We let it continue as a blind until a few years ago when humanity was deemed ready for the complete system, and today when I was allowed to release the inner teaching of Rock, Paper, Scissors, Lizard, Spock.

Some may have suspected the truth and we recognize their inherent genius. Rock, Paper, Scissors, Lizard, Spock is in fact a coded version of the Five Movements. The Five Motions are commonly called the Chinese Elements by those uninitiated orders (who don’t fact check with Wikipedia and learn something new). It’s true though and very obvious if you have eyes to see. Rock is Earth, Paper is Wood, Scissors are Metal, Lizard (a translation error from amphibian obviously) is Water, and Spock is Fire due to his phaser. When we compare the charts of Rock, Paper, Scissors, Lizard, Spock, and the charts of the Five Movements we see that yes they are the same. So much more information is available to the process of Rock, Paper, Scissors, Lizard, Spock when one understands this encoded mystical meaning.


By releasing the game into the public consciousness the Secret Chiefs of the Silver Twilight were hoping to increase humanity’s spiritual level (it’s over 9000) by subtly ingraining the Five Movements so people could live their life in accordance to the Way it represents. By learning to balance the movements, to understand what force creates another, supports another, weakens and destroys another, it was hoped humanity would find the peace of the True Way. Unfortunately without the inner teaching it degraded into a way of deciding who has to dump the garbage or who has to drive to the store to get milk (which was often me cause my friends know I generally pick scissors). Now the inner teaching has been revealed we’re hoping humanity will begin to ascend and all doubts about the Secret Chiefs will be removed.

And for those wondering, there is no connection between the Silver Twilight and the Golden Dawn.  The Golden Dawn are just the silly guys dressing up in Egyptian costumes and yelling to an Invisible Jewish Man in the Sky, the Silver Twilight is the real deal.

If this blog entry confuses you, you’re obviously not reading the blogs I’m snarking.  University started up last week, so I’m unsure what my update schedule will be like, hopefully something more serious soon.  Also, for any of the yanks unfamiliar, in Canadian/British English sceptic is with a c, not a k. I don’t make up the rules, I just follow and teach them, in this case.


10 Responses to Shhh: The Secret Chiefs Are Talking

  1. korakaos says:

    Supremely excellent. (May all the infidels be enlightened and turn away from their baals through your efforts!)

  2. PhoenixAngel says:

    *APPLAUSE!!! * I absolutely LOVE this post 🙂

  3. Gordon says:

    I love you. That is all.

  4. polyphanes says:

    Who are you, and why have I been following you only just recently? My heart is all aflutter.

  5. […] notion of cats as the secret chiefs. (But they aren’t, we’ve already discussed my connection with the real secret chiefs) GA_googleAddAttr("AdOpt", "1"); GA_googleAddAttr("Origin", "other"); […]

  6. 1) Make fun of orders touting rehashed/made-up bullshit
    2) Tout rehashed/made-up bullshit as a “revelation”
    3) ????
    4) Profit!

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