Dakinis: The Ganden Girls


ganden girlsContinuing my theme of super serious Buddhist posts being applied to non-Buddhist stuff I want to talk to you about the dakinis.

Specifically the four primary dakinis who appear in a variety of rituals, they appear “secretly” as HaRiNiSa, are the rulers of the four actions, and represent the Buddha families. They are Vajradakini, Ratnadakini, Padmadakini, and Karmadakini.

Now to the super serious part of this post…after a discussion with a friend, I realized that these four dakinis have manifested in pop culture, and are none other than the Golden Girls. (Okay, maybe that’s stretching it, but there is an amusing parallel.)

roseFirst there is the blue Vajradakini in the East. Her action is pacifying, she is used to bring peace to disruption, not to destroy it or command it, but to settle it. She binds people together harmoniously. She is also very detail focused and literal, precise. She is the emotional mind and the memory, and she transforms anger into wisdom. I see this as being Rose. While often the butt of an angry outburst (shut up Rose), she is ultimately the most peaceful of the Golden Girls, in fact, it is stated that if it wasn’t for her none of the women would be living together, she is the one that makes them work together. She is also the most literal, which is part of her charm in the way she misunderstands things. She is the heart of the Girls, and that is Vajradakini.

sophiaSecondly there is yellow Ratnadakini in the South. Her action is enriching, she is used to ground and increase, to expand. She is the earthiest of the dakinis, the most interested in the body and the here and now. She is about the physical past and origins. She transforms our false pride into wisdom. This would be Sophia. Sophia is the master cook, nurturing the bodies of all the others. By far the most grounded and physical of them. She’s probably the most open about her body too, most episodes include some complaint about her body and age that most people rather wouldn’t hear, but she is the body and earth elements. She supports the Girls, but also keeps their egos from getting too big. She is thoroughly grounded in her past as a foundation “Picture it Pussycat, Silicy, 1922…”

blancheNext is the red Padmadakini in the West. Her action is enchanting…and I could probably stop there. She is the more Venereal of the dakinis: attraction, magnetism, enchanting. She is also connected to passion and drive. All I had to say was enchanting, and I’m sure we all could see this is Blanche. Beautiful, sexual, sensual, and all about the chase, the attraction, the drawing in of others.

dorothyLastly is the green Karmadakini to the North. Her action is discrimination and being wrathful. She helps eliminate distractions and delusions, to clear away that which is preventing us from seeing things the way they are. Tied to this is her wrathful action, she is the one who gives us the tough lessons that we need. It’s not a cruel action, but a swift one. She destroys our illusions, even the ones we enjoy. This is Dorothy, she was always the most frank of the group, the sharp mind backed by a sharp tongue. Dorothy said what needed to be said to her friends, even if they wouldn’t want to hear it. Of all the Golden Girls she had the most wit and clarity.

I hope from this people will come to see some of the transcendent wisdom that is the Golden Girls.

Thank you for being a friend.


Epic Rap Battles of History: Occult Edition


For no reason when leaving temple last I thought it be amusing to see Epic Rap Battles of History for famous folks in the occult.

If you’ve never seen Epic Rap Battles of History it’s a youtube show that pits two famous people from history (and occasionally fiction) in a rap battle. They’re usually very clever and amusing.

Einstein vs. Hawking.

Anyways I thought up a few ones for occult folks, I was posting them, and Ocean Delano from Turning the Magic Around chimed in with a few of his own, which will be marked with an * on the list.

20130704002622Wiki-background[1]Epic Rap Battles of History Presents:

Aleister Crowley versus Madame Blavatsky!

Edward Kelley versus L. Ron Hubbard!

King Solomon versus Padmasambhava!

*Gerald Gardner vs The Witch Of Endor.

*Merlin vs. Oberon Zell-Ravenheart!

*Abra-Melin vs Socrates!

Marie Laveau versus Circe!

Imhotep versus Milarepa!

*Cornelius Agrippa versus Francis Barrett
(Barrett would just rap Agrippa’s lines back at him, but say half of them wrong.)

E. A. Koetting versus J. Z. Knight!

Paracelsus versus Ibn Sina!

Medea versus The Witches of Eastwick!

The Secret Chiefs versus the Ascended Masters!

Melchizedek versus St. Germain!

*Deepak Chopra versus Confucius

Victor and Cora Anderson versus Peter Carroll and Phil Hine

Anton LeVay versus Doreen Virtue!

John Dee versus Sylvia Brown!

Alright, who do you think would be the best match? Or any funny magickal matches that we didn’t think of?

Invisibility, Swords, and Cemeteries


Polyphanes posted “Be a ninja! Remain unseen! Here’s How.”  Inspired by this post I wanted to talk about three examples of what I’ve done to hide myself, and share one of my favourite stories of (possible) magickal invisibility.

For structured and clear rituals, there is the Rose Cross. I don’t know how traditional it is, but I was taught it with the instruction that it can be used to deflect attention, to make you invisible, and I’ve had good results with that.

I admit I'm clueless to what this says, hopefully something witty and ironic.

Another method I have takes a bit of practice. Go stand against a wall and press yourself flat against it, try to hide against the wall, even if there is nothing to cover you. Then reach out and try to draw the wall around, the energy, the perception, the concept of the wall, pull it across you like a curtain. This is all well and good if you have to hide against walls, but it’s not very portable, but the idea is. That is the training. Get used to the sensation, physical, mental, emotional, energetic/spiritual of pressing against the wall trying to avoid notice. Now stand in the middle of a room and try to flatten yourself against the centre of the room. It’s hard to explain, but just as you pressed yourself against the wall, away from the room, now you are pressing yourself away from everywhere at once. To use a sci-fi analogy by backing away from everything at once you’re pushing yourself out of phase (what does that even mean?) of our physical reality. In this state draw the room around, as you did with the wall, covering yourself in the same way. If you keep your focus on being drawn away and covered you can actually move around with this, leave the area, and pass beneath notice on the move.

The last technique is a bit simpler to pull off. All you need is a few small candles, a mirror, and a dark room. Light the candles (I prefer nine, for Lunar associations of illusion, and the ability to go unseen like the New Moon) place them within easy reach of you and turn off the light. Sit in front of the mirror (you can stand, but subtle swaying makes it more difficult) and just stare at your reflection until it starts to blur. Once it blurs for a moment blow out a candle, and see the light from the extinguished flame being drawn into you. Repeat this for each candle. The idea is you’re associating a blurred harder to see image with yourself, and you’re drawing the light from the candles, what allows you to be seen, into you. The light which illuminates you is being taken into you, is in your control.

Now, invisibility and my humorous past. No surprise, I do a lot of work in cemeteries. While there are several closer to me, there is an excellent cemetery for rituals a 20 minute walk away. This cemetery has several streams, open fields, forests, it’s great. There is one spot in that cemetery I love for rituals; two roads intersect making a crossroad, two streams go underground near there and seem to cross underneath this area at the cross-quarters, and between the roads there are small walls sealing in this crossroad. I love it. Now sometimes rituals are small…sometimes not so much. When I had a big ritual to perform there I did the Rose Cross and the Mirror/Candle to make me invisible, or so people won’t pay attention to me.

So I put on my backpack, filled with my ritual items, and limped to the cemetery -as my ritual sword was tucked in my right pant leg so it can’t be seen, but obviously limited my range of movement. I get to the cemetery about two hours after it closes, other than around Halloween security only patrols it for an hour after closing. Waiting for a lull in traffic (no need to push my luck) I snuck through the gate they never lock.  I finally arrive at my crossroads, and unpack my ritual stuff. Pillar candles set at the crossquarters of the intersection, incense in the eight directions against the wall, black silk robes put on, and of course my ritual sword now safely out of my pants. (That sounds wrong, but I’m keeping it in.)

It was a clear full moon night, so it was very bright and easy to see. I called to the Guardians of the Cemetery, set up my magickal boundaries, and dived into the ritual. About half an hour into the ritual, I’m standing in the centre of the crossroads, the walls are a good 20m at least away from me, bright moonlight while I contrast it in solid black, sword thrust toward the sky, when suddenly at the road just south of me the security guards drive by. It’s only 80m away (260 feet), nothing between us, they drive by slowly, and passed out of site.

Artist's rendition

Artist's rendition

Being confident in my magick I just stood there… okay, not really, I ran and grabbed my backpack and knelt against the farside of the wall in the shadows. This put me as far away from them as possible if they either did a U-turn, or took the next corner to loop back. And a minute passed, and another, and another. After maybe five-ten minutes, far longer than it should have taken them to get back there was still no sign of them. I move back to the centre and resume the ritual and complete it, the security guards never drove by again. Really they should have, they didn’t patrol the quarter I was in, and I was there long enough that they had enough time to cover the entire cemetery more than once.

This is always my favourite story about magickal invisibility. Though, a friend (or possibly my brother, I forget now) did give a less magickal alternative that I’m still fond of. “If you’re a security guard in a cemetery, and one full moon night you see a black robed shadow wielding a sword on the top of a hill, your first thought is ‘Fuck no. I’ve seen this horror movie’ and you keep driving.” Of course, even if they saw me and were unnerved, they paid me no attention, so in that way still a success.

What I Really Do…Meme


I’m sure everyone has seen the meme already. I just thought I’d toss up my two contributions. Click to enlarge if you want/need more detail.

I’s Can Have Chokmah?


Over on Polyphanes’s blog Digital Amber there is a post titled Instead of a caption this cat gets a sigil. Now while it is a good post about his magickal crafting, all I could think of was cats and sigils. Once upon a time, I made a few occult themed cat macros, which I figured I would share here. The first ones are more loosely occult, but the last ones are far more clearly linked.

That requires some familiarity with the works of Lovecraft.

If you’re not good at reading mangled Egyptian: Long Cat is Long Dead

I have no idea what is happening in this picture but the posture and glowing hands just screamed Qabalistic Cross to me.

This was at a friend’s house, I left my circle out after a Goetic working and a little later I looked over and her cat had made himself home in the circle. I think the last two pictures support Morgan Drake Eckstein’s notion of cats as the secret chiefs. (But they aren’t, we’ve already discussed my connection with the real secret chiefs)

Shhh: The Secret Chiefs Are Talking


Recently the occult world was rocked by my latest announcement, and some people were sceptical that the Secret Chiefs of the Silver Twilight’s Third and a Half Order has contacted me personally to reveal the rest of the advanced Silver Twilight Inner Order (T&A et F.U.)  teachings to qualified occultists everywhere (by which we mean random blog readers). Of course people were only sceptical because they have never seen me in a bathing suit and neglected to realize I’m the only one who knows how to set the clock on the Secret Chief’s microwave.

Exclusive image of the Secret Chiefs


To help quell the scepticism the Secret Chiefs, Billy and Michael (I call him Mike), authorized me to publically transmit a set of deep and powerful secrets to cast out all doubt by its sheer clarity and wisdom. Two of our Order released a secret teaching six years to try to help humanity progress, and I get the honour of revealing the true esoteric coded meaning of Rock, Paper, Scissors, Lizard, Spock.

An incomplete copy of this teaching was released in the 1700s due to a scribal error when copying a stolen scroll. We let it continue as a blind until a few years ago when humanity was deemed ready for the complete system, and today when I was allowed to release the inner teaching of Rock, Paper, Scissors, Lizard, Spock.

Some may have suspected the truth and we recognize their inherent genius. Rock, Paper, Scissors, Lizard, Spock is in fact a coded version of the Five Movements. The Five Motions are commonly called the Chinese Elements by those uninitiated orders (who don’t fact check with Wikipedia and learn something new). It’s true though and very obvious if you have eyes to see. Rock is Earth, Paper is Wood, Scissors are Metal, Lizard (a translation error from amphibian obviously) is Water, and Spock is Fire due to his phaser. When we compare the charts of Rock, Paper, Scissors, Lizard, Spock, and the charts of the Five Movements we see that yes they are the same. So much more information is available to the process of Rock, Paper, Scissors, Lizard, Spock when one understands this encoded mystical meaning.


By releasing the game into the public consciousness the Secret Chiefs of the Silver Twilight were hoping to increase humanity’s spiritual level (it’s over 9000) by subtly ingraining the Five Movements so people could live their life in accordance to the Way it represents. By learning to balance the movements, to understand what force creates another, supports another, weakens and destroys another, it was hoped humanity would find the peace of the True Way. Unfortunately without the inner teaching it degraded into a way of deciding who has to dump the garbage or who has to drive to the store to get milk (which was often me cause my friends know I generally pick scissors). Now the inner teaching has been revealed we’re hoping humanity will begin to ascend and all doubts about the Secret Chiefs will be removed.

And for those wondering, there is no connection between the Silver Twilight and the Golden Dawn.  The Golden Dawn are just the silly guys dressing up in Egyptian costumes and yelling to an Invisible Jewish Man in the Sky, the Silver Twilight is the real deal.

If this blog entry confuses you, you’re obviously not reading the blogs I’m snarking.  University started up last week, so I’m unsure what my update schedule will be like, hopefully something more serious soon.  Also, for any of the yanks unfamiliar, in Canadian/British English sceptic is with a c, not a k. I don’t make up the rules, I just follow and teach them, in this case.

Sex With Angels


It’s curious watching what google searches lead people to this blog. Sometimes they are relevant; often people find my book reviews looking for just that, so I’m happy. Sometimes they are funny but accidental; apparently one of the new pokemon has a blue flame on its tail and when someone tried to find out which one, they ended up here. Some are just surprising, apparently “sex James Bond” in Arabic can lead here. Months back I posted a link to a joke entry on “How to know if you’re having sex with a fallen angel” and that changed the google searches that lead here. The fifth most popular search term leading people to my blog is? Sex angels. From there I get all sorts of variations “How to have sex with angels” “How to summon an angel for sex” “Praying to angels for sex” (with an angel or person?) “Have people had sex with angels?” and it goes on. Now, let it not be said that I’m not an attentive and caring blogger. I opted out of a how-to guide for now, but I leave you with:

Say-Roar-Screech-Low mine Name! Who's your Holy Father?

Kalagni’s Sex With Angels Advice

  • First piece of advice when having sex with an angel? Be not afraid. (Seriously if angels have to say that everytime they introduce themselves they probably aren’t pretty blond guys with wings, they’re scary-ass motherfuckers)
  • When having sex with a Kerub (Cherub) always make sure the human side is facing you, otherwise it is bestiality and that would just be weird.
  • Because they are four-in-one Kerubs are fans of bukakke, plan accordingly.
  • Ophanim are great for exhibitionists and voyeurs. They like to watch (and pretty much have to being covered with eyes) and they like when people watch them jack-ophanim.
  • Always wear a condom with a Seraph, or you’ll find out why their name means burning snake.
  • Use polyurethane condoms when having sex with a Seraph as they have higher melting points than latex.
  • If you’re into bondage I suggest the Bene h’elohim, or the Watcher Angels, several of them spend all day hanging around in chains.
  • Raphael smells like fish, it’s not a hygiene issue, it’s so Asmodeus doesn’t kill you before sex, jealous ex I’m assuming.
  • The ineffable name is not a good safe word.
  • Halos (who has a halo, seriously?) are not convenient foot rests or places to attach your handcuffs to.
  • While not as long-lasting water based lube is easier to wash off of wings than silicone and oil based lubricants.
  • Remember No means no…unfortunately the Hebrew for “Come on” sounds like no.
  • Archangels are fans of forced bukakke scenarios “[The Seven Archangels] came to [Eve], seized her, and ejaculated their semen upon her.” ~On the Origin of the World 116-117. Plan accordingly, put down plastic sheets.
  • “The seed of the trees came from the semen of the authorities and their angels.” ~On the Origin of the World 109-110. So always wear a condom, you don’t want a tree growing out of there, do you?
  • Virtues are prudes, don’t bother with them.
  • Dominions look good in black leather and carry whips.
  • Into twincest? Go for Metatron, there are two of him, one above and one below.

There you go, hopefully this will advice will help your next heavenly whoring.

Thanks to all my twitter friends (apparently you’re tweeps?) for being sounding boards to this insanity, and occasionally suggesting/nudging the insanity. Feel free to tweet or comment with more.

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